Memoirs of a Damned (25)

The composer years (18)

In March 2017, my mother passed away, and my world fell apart. Although I had the support of my brother Pedro, who understood my suffering, that feeling of loneliness and despondency had never been so pronounced. With the loss of my mother, I found myself orphaned of everything and prey to an unimaginable senselessness in my life.

Perhaps that's why the creative crisis, which had already been lurking, didn't hesitate to deliver the final blow.

The crisis was a depletion of ideas, a lack of motivation, a disappointment in what had been built over so many years, and the addition of immense existential doubt.

That three-year void of a zombie trying to make sense of his life.

My undergraduate studies ended in 2018 with the Final Degree Project, supervised, as already mentioned, by Rafael Martín.

Although it wasn't necessary, my perfectionism led me to return to Brazil to gather firsthand information about my project. I felt supported and loved by so many good people who alleviated my terrible emotional state. My brother Pedro accompanied me to the presentation of my work,and that gave me a morale boost. It was that year that we grew closer, and after the loss of his romantic partner, I accompanied him, and we discovered family and personal secrets I'd never known. We toured the most beautiful parks in Madrid, where he had moved more than twenty years earlier. Those moments were a consolation for all the sadness I had harbored in my heart.

And it was then that I considered the possibility of reaching out to the only brother who had ever understood me.

However, fate had another path in store.

In 2019, I consulted a lawyer to establish residency in Recife, Brazil. The paperwork and bureaucracy were hard work, but it was necessary. Mr.Luz, from São Paulo, said there was a legal loophole for retirees and recommended that I remain in Recife until the government's resolution was issued.

Those were years of no musical activity, except for my encounters with Lúcio, who years before had taught me to play the cavaquinho and with whom I became friends.

I devoted my time to other activities to fill the time and the emptiness of those long six months.

When Luz confirmed that my application had been accepted, I panicked, and I rejected the possibility of establishing residency in Brazil on my way back to Spain.